My World is Back in Color 

I just wanted to write this as a hello again to the blogging world! 

I was suffering through a lot at the beginning of the years and my posts began to become dark and hopeless and I wanted my blog to be something that was light and uplifting and motivating! 

So I just wanted to let you all know that I will be posting again regularly and that life is getting better for me and I have been feeling so happy with the direction the rest of my year is going.

Thank you to everyone who wrote to me when things were dark because it was re reading those comments that helped me push through.

I am so excited to share the good that has been going on in my life and I can’t wait to start posting again regularly.

Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. 

My heart 

My heart hurts

I’m don’t want to be the person that is always available to hang out with when no one ele is aeound 

But I don’t want to be the person that always gets left out 

I know to be the person I want to be I need to get left out 

But I have been left out my whole life because of my homeschooling that not fitting in seems like the only thing that matters 

When it comes down to it my friends don’t care that I am suffering they just care that I am a good time 

And I don’t know how to weed those friends out from the ones that care 

I am feeling very low 

I didn’t want this blog to become a place where I vent like it is a diary 

But I don’t know what to do.

I need new friends. I need new help. I need people to who think I am worth it enough to stay through the hard parts. But I don’t know where to find these people… I will try to be more positive later.. thank you. 

Some good things 

Things are getting better, just wanted to bullet some happiness I have found since I wrote my last post

– got an internship at a modeling agency 

– being recognized by my boss at work 

– shot pictures with 4 different photographers

– sang for an audience 

– wrote down song lyrics 

I’ve been teaching myself to learn how to find happiness again from the things I used to love. Trying to focus on the good. 

They Don’t Know 

When drowning there comes a point when fighting to live is a lesser option than accepting death.

I  think that people know I’m drowning. I just don’t think they know how deep I am.

When I get too drunk on the weekend or get drunk alone, the people around me see it as I like to have a good time even though maybe I take it too far

They don’t know that I find comfort in the feeling of being so drunk I can escape my mind

When I joke about how I don’t take care of myself, they probably think she’s just a gross person 
They don’t know that I have no will to take care of myself since the depression is draining me

When I over analyze or obsessed over people and situations, they might think it’s a little strange the extent to which I obsess but maybe she’s just a critical thinker

They don’t know that there’s demons in my brain telling me that everyone is hating me, talking about me, and laughing at me

When I say I’m giving up weed and then I’m smoking it again, they might think “wow she’s just a huge pothead” 

They don’t know that it’s an addiction that has consumed my thoughts for 3 years and made me unfocused, unmotivated and sluggish 

When I make self deprecating jokes, they might think “oh she’s just doing it because it is funny”

They don’t know that they jokes aren’t jokes, they are inner thoughts of self hatred I try to express in a lighter manner 

When I cancel plans, or don’t respond to texts, or sleep until noon.. they might think I just don’t get enough sleep or I just don’t want to hang out with anyone 

They don’t know that I spend my free time asleep because it’s easier to sleep my life away than to make plans 

They know that things are off. They know that I am drowning. 

But they just don’t know how close I am to sinking.

My Depression Is 

It’s needing help, but not knowing how to receive it 

It’s wanting to succeed, but not having motivation to do so 

It’s wanting to tell your story, but not having the courage to do so 

It’s needing friends and family, but pushing them all away 

It’s feeling like everyone hates you, when they only want to help 

It’s being underwater, and not knowing how to swim 

It’s 2:18 PM on a Sunday and I’m still a little drunk from the night before. I’m trying to escape. I’m trying to be happy or at least seem happy but it’s only a facade I can keep up when I’m not alone. Because when I am alone the darkness inside of me wins. The hardest part of all of this is knowing that the person who will truly help me rise is myself. But I feel like such a shell. I have all the potential I need to make it in the world but I don’t even know how to breathe without feeling hopeless. I write on this blog because I don’t have an outlet. I don’t have friends that I can release to. There’s something inside of me that won’t let me release to my parents. I just need someone to talk to. Someone I can tell everything to knowing that I won’t be judged or talked about. I have so much that I am keeping inside. 

I want to be excited about life again. 

Deep Down We Know 

Why do people live a life of mediocrity? 

The little girl who wanted to be an astronaut is now a bank teller

The boy who knew he would be in the NFL one day is the store manager of a retail store

But then the little girl and boy grew up and the world started filling their minds with no

“Do something more practical”

“This job is secure”

“If you fail you will have to start over when you’re older and you’ll never make it”

Why does the world tell us when we are young that we can achieve our dreams and accomplish anything but then when we grow old enough to make our dreams a reality, our dreams are suddenly impractical?

“What do you want to do in the future?” 

“I want to be a performer” 

“That’s great! But you’re majoring in something else right in case it doesn’t work out?” 

Replace performer with your own dream and I’m sure it’s probably a conversation that’s not too unfamiliar 

 I believe those that try to shoot down your dreams are those who didn’t have the courage to pursue theirs

Because deep down we all know, we know we are capable of anything, we know we can be the astronauts, and the presidents, and the performers, but we don’t know how to

Or we are scared to 

I know I could be famous one day

Sounds a little arrogant right? 

We perceive people sometimes who are confident in themselves and their abilities to accomplish their dreams as arrogant 

And it’s because deep down we know that we could be just as confident… 

When we are young our dreams have no barrier in our mind, there’s nothing stopping us from living them

But the more and more people tell you don’t do this, this is a better plan the more we build up that wall and when those people who told you you couldn’t are long gone our mental wall stopping us from achieving our dreams is higher than ever 

Some people never build that wall 

Some people build it and knock it down 

Some people live with it their whole lives

I refuse to be the person telling other people not to follow their dreams because I was scared to follow mine

All humans have potential for greatness, some just never seek to find it

So I challenge you:

What was that dream you had as a child? The thing where if all odds were in your favor you’d be happy doing for the rest of your life?

Find that thing and do it because it’s never too late.

Know that you can be great and you can be happy, really happy not a happiness tinged with regret 

Believe this. 

And it will happen. 

I’m back! 

So it has been a long time since my last raw thoughts and I’ll be candid with you all it hasn’t been easy. 

I needed to take time to find my passions and get my priorities straight again and while it hasn’t been easy I am happy to say I am on the right track again. 

I let myself down a lot these past few months. It was sad to see how I had all this drive in January and it just dwindled. 

I am my biggest critic and the second things get tough I don’t know how to keep myself going. I look at everything as failure instead of lessons learned.

But with all that said I’m working hard to become the driven motivated person I was back in January and I can’t wait to take you all on my journey! 

I’ll have a new blog post up next week.

Thank you for all the support! 

Raw Thoughts: 11:30 pm January 16, 2016 

Disclaimer: for those of you who are new to my blog every once in a while I post these things called raw thoughts which are my unedited thought stream when I’m feeling down. I write my stream of conscience and then go back weeks later to see how I’ve grown since then and to reflect. I use these as a chance to really change so I can self reflect on this later. So right now I am just going to close my eyes and breathe and write a bit of my soul out. Just raw emotion and thoughts. I won’t edit this… I will just write.

“You’re so hard on yourself sometimes I feel like you genuinely hate yourself and I don’t know why”

Tonight the nail was hit right on the head and I haven’t stopped crying since 

I’m even making typos because I can’t see thru my tears

I don’t know how to fix myself anymore. It’s funny how in just about every raw thoughts I’ve written I talk about hating myself 

And I don’t know how to be okay. I’ve hated myself for a long time and it’s to the point that I don’t know how to fix myself 

I try so hard to be the person I want to be but at the end of the day something goes wrong or someone gets mad at me and I go write back to square one and I just don’t know how to be okay

I feel so alone

BC I feel like if I tell this to anyone I’ll just look like I’m being dramatic or just looking for attention 

But I need so much help 

Selfish lazy bitch psychopath fake disrespectful 

These are just a few of the many things even my parents call me and I want to change so bad but I don’t know how to do it alone 

I’m shaking 

You know that feeling when you’re around someone you really hate 

imagine being stuck with that person 24/7 and that’s how I feel about myself 

The person who said the quote I opened the post with also told me I have so much to offer the world 

But I feel like everytime I try no one cares 

People just give up on me and I don’t know why 

And I have no one I can talk to about this no one I can cry to but a blog

And everyone has problems problems much worse than mine so I don’t want to bog anyone down with mine 

But it’s getting to be too much for me!!!!!!!

I want to scream 

I want to run away to somewhere new where people don’t know me and maybe won’t give up on me 

I’m so so broken and I have been for a long time 

And right now I just want to lash out at everyone who has given up on me and scream at them because THEY DID THIS TO ME!!!!!!!!!! I used to be okay I used to not hate myself

But they didn’t do it to me.

I’m doing it to myself and I don’t know how to stop 

Ugh I feel like such a brat for complaining about something so trivial when people deal with so much harder shit and keep a smile on their face 

I need to stop 

I’m going now