Layers of A Rose

The first thing you see when you look at a rose is the beauty of the flower. You take in the color of the rose, the leaves, the greeness of the stem, the number of petals.. intertwined around the stem in such a delicate pattern. It intrigues you. You get closer to the rose, more and more intrigued by the beauty. That is when you notice the scent. That beautiful smell. After the curiosty of all the senses have been stimulated… you move closer to the rose. You go to pick it and are shocked to look down a see a bleeding hand.

That is when you notice the thorns. If you peel off all of the petals, the “Layers of A Rose”, you would be left with just a stem of thorns. The captivating essence of the rose that once drew you in is gone and you are left with the pain from the thorns that remain.

I think of myself as a rose. From first glance, I am someone that people wouldn’t expect to have these layers, these thorns… and no one really takes the time to truly peel away my layers to reveal the pain that I am often in.. to feel my thorns. Those that try I tend to push away.. I don’t trust people with my thorns… because when I have trusted people, they haven’t been there for me and there is nothing worse than being in pain and not being able to turn to even the people you are supposed to trust. So I have learned not to let my thorns bleed on anyone but myself.. because I will always have my back… right? I can work to heal the wounds of my thorns. But sometimes I do fantasize about that person.. that person that will take on my thorns and understand me on a deeper level. I know that type of understanding exists among people.. just haven’t found it for myself.

Anyways, that is the explanation to the name. I haven’t written on this blog in years and so much has changed.. I am hoping to get back into writing on it. So at least I have a place to write about my thorns… even if no one is listening.

Kathryn-

My World is Back in Color 

I just wanted to write this as a hello again to the blogging world! 

I was suffering through a lot at the beginning of the years and my posts began to become dark and hopeless and I wanted my blog to be something that was light and uplifting and motivating! 

So I just wanted to let you all know that I will be posting again regularly and that life is getting better for me and I have been feeling so happy with the direction the rest of my year is going.

Thank you to everyone who wrote to me when things were dark because it was re reading those comments that helped me push through.

I am so excited to share the good that has been going on in my life and I can’t wait to start posting again regularly.

Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. 

My heart 

My heart hurts

I’m don’t want to be the person that is always available to hang out with when no one ele is aeound 

But I don’t want to be the person that always gets left out 

I know to be the person I want to be I need to get left out 

But I have been left out my whole life because of my homeschooling that not fitting in seems like the only thing that matters 

When it comes down to it my friends don’t care that I am suffering they just care that I am a good time 

And I don’t know how to weed those friends out from the ones that care 

I am feeling very low 

I didn’t want this blog to become a place where I vent like it is a diary 

But I don’t know what to do.

I need new friends. I need new help. I need people to who think I am worth it enough to stay through the hard parts. But I don’t know where to find these people… I will try to be more positive later.. thank you. 

Some good things 

Things are getting better, just wanted to bullet some happiness I have found since I wrote my last post

– got an internship at a modeling agency 

– being recognized by my boss at work 

– shot pictures with 4 different photographers

– sang for an audience 

– wrote down song lyrics 

I’ve been teaching myself to learn how to find happiness again from the things I used to love. Trying to focus on the good. 

They Don’t Know 

When drowning there comes a point when fighting to live is a lesser option than accepting death.

I  think that people know I’m drowning. I just don’t think they know how deep I am.

When I get too drunk on the weekend or get drunk alone, the people around me see it as I like to have a good time even though maybe I take it too far

They don’t know that I find comfort in the feeling of being so drunk I can escape my mind

When I joke about how I don’t take care of myself, they probably think she’s just a gross person 
They don’t know that I have no will to take care of myself since the depression is draining me

When I over analyze or obsessed over people and situations, they might think it’s a little strange the extent to which I obsess but maybe she’s just a critical thinker

They don’t know that there’s demons in my brain telling me that everyone is hating me, talking about me, and laughing at me

When I say I’m giving up weed and then I’m smoking it again, they might think “wow she’s just a huge pothead” 

They don’t know that it’s an addiction that has consumed my thoughts for 3 years and made me unfocused, unmotivated and sluggish 

When I make self deprecating jokes, they might think “oh she’s just doing it because it is funny”

They don’t know that they jokes aren’t jokes, they are inner thoughts of self hatred I try to express in a lighter manner 

When I cancel plans, or don’t respond to texts, or sleep until noon.. they might think I just don’t get enough sleep or I just don’t want to hang out with anyone 

They don’t know that I spend my free time asleep because it’s easier to sleep my life away than to make plans 

They know that things are off. They know that I am drowning. 

But they just don’t know how close I am to sinking.

My Depression Is 

It’s needing help, but not knowing how to receive it 

It’s wanting to succeed, but not having motivation to do so 

It’s wanting to tell your story, but not having the courage to do so 

It’s needing friends and family, but pushing them all away 

It’s feeling like everyone hates you, when they only want to help 

It’s being underwater, and not knowing how to swim 

It’s 2:18 PM on a Sunday and I’m still a little drunk from the night before. I’m trying to escape. I’m trying to be happy or at least seem happy but it’s only a facade I can keep up when I’m not alone. Because when I am alone the darkness inside of me wins. The hardest part of all of this is knowing that the person who will truly help me rise is myself. But I feel like such a shell. I have all the potential I need to make it in the world but I don’t even know how to breathe without feeling hopeless. I write on this blog because I don’t have an outlet. I don’t have friends that I can release to. There’s something inside of me that won’t let me release to my parents. I just need someone to talk to. Someone I can tell everything to knowing that I won’t be judged or talked about. I have so much that I am keeping inside. 

I want to be excited about life again. 

Deep Down We Know 

Why do people live a life of mediocrity? 

The little girl who wanted to be an astronaut is now a bank teller

The boy who knew he would be in the NFL one day is the store manager of a retail store

But then the little girl and boy grew up and the world started filling their minds with no

“Do something more practical”

“This job is secure”

“If you fail you will have to start over when you’re older and you’ll never make it”

Why does the world tell us when we are young that we can achieve our dreams and accomplish anything but then when we grow old enough to make our dreams a reality, our dreams are suddenly impractical?

“What do you want to do in the future?” 

“I want to be a performer” 

“That’s great! But you’re majoring in something else right in case it doesn’t work out?” 

Replace performer with your own dream and I’m sure it’s probably a conversation that’s not too unfamiliar 

 I believe those that try to shoot down your dreams are those who didn’t have the courage to pursue theirs

Because deep down we all know, we know we are capable of anything, we know we can be the astronauts, and the presidents, and the performers, but we don’t know how to

Or we are scared to 

I know I could be famous one day

Sounds a little arrogant right? 

We perceive people sometimes who are confident in themselves and their abilities to accomplish their dreams as arrogant 

And it’s because deep down we know that we could be just as confident… 

When we are young our dreams have no barrier in our mind, there’s nothing stopping us from living them

But the more and more people tell you don’t do this, this is a better plan the more we build up that wall and when those people who told you you couldn’t are long gone our mental wall stopping us from achieving our dreams is higher than ever 

Some people never build that wall 

Some people build it and knock it down 

Some people live with it their whole lives

I refuse to be the person telling other people not to follow their dreams because I was scared to follow mine

All humans have potential for greatness, some just never seek to find it

So I challenge you:

What was that dream you had as a child? The thing where if all odds were in your favor you’d be happy doing for the rest of your life?

Find that thing and do it because it’s never too late.

Know that you can be great and you can be happy, really happy not a happiness tinged with regret 

Believe this. 

And it will happen. 

I’m back! 

So it has been a long time since my last raw thoughts and I’ll be candid with you all it hasn’t been easy. 

I needed to take time to find my passions and get my priorities straight again and while it hasn’t been easy I am happy to say I am on the right track again. 

I let myself down a lot these past few months. It was sad to see how I had all this drive in January and it just dwindled. 

I am my biggest critic and the second things get tough I don’t know how to keep myself going. I look at everything as failure instead of lessons learned.

But with all that said I’m working hard to become the driven motivated person I was back in January and I can’t wait to take you all on my journey! 

I’ll have a new blog post up next week.

Thank you for all the support!