Have I really truly recovered? Or am I just more aware of my pain?
Do I really love myself now? Or is that just what I feel like I “have to say”?
Am I really doing the work? Or am I doing the “work”?
I don’t know… I really don’t know. I go through moments of extreme elation and days of happiness, where I know that I am this amazing person with a story to tell and gifts to give to the world… where I know I am someone who can 100 percent make a difference… Where I know I am someone worth loving and worth making effort for. The person that is so remarkable and talented that she must have this HUGE plan stored for her…
But then I also go through moments when I feel like the same person who once wrote in this blog about how much she hated herself..that person who never felt like she could overcome her pain.. the person who has NO idea where to begin when it comes to confronting her trauma and beginning to heal..that person who feels entirely alone and like no one will ever truly understand her pain.. because I don’t even understand my pain sometimes.
I am both of these people honestly… and I am also neither of them. It really just depends on the day… and the moment in time.. there is a major part of me that understands the beauty of life and how MUCH the world can offer… and can see all the potential in who I can be. But there is also a part of me that doesn’t care, that would rather drown herself in substances to forget.. that is entirely closed off and wants to be numb all the time.
So which part wins??
I guess it depends on the day honestly. Which is also scary…I don’t want to go through the super highs and these ultra lows and not know what to do in between. I am moving to California soon and I can see myself going down two paths… a beautiful one and a dark one.. and I know it is my choice which path I go down.. But I still feel like I have no idea.
So idk, honestly. It is weird that I feel so open on this platform when I don’t in any other aspects, but maybe because a part of me feels like I am writing into the void… or maybe because I read every comment and I always have and I know that people on here.. they really do care. Idk. IDK .. IDK
I DONT FUCKING KNOWWW.
That seems to be how my life is. Some days are great and others feel like this and it is far and few in between… Anyways, I should TRY and go to sleep instead of continuing to get myself worked up. But if you are still reading, idk either but I hope to know that maybe… someONE out there can relate to me.. but if not… at least I have this space to release. Tomorrow might be an entirely different entry but until then..