They Don’t Know 

When drowning there comes a point when fighting to live is a lesser option than accepting death.

I  think that people know I’m drowning. I just don’t think they know how deep I am.

When I get too drunk on the weekend or get drunk alone, the people around me see it as I like to have a good time even though maybe I take it too far

They don’t know that I find comfort in the feeling of being so drunk I can escape my mind

When I joke about how I don’t take care of myself, they probably think she’s just a gross person 
They don’t know that I have no will to take care of myself since the depression is draining me

When I over analyze or obsessed over people and situations, they might think it’s a little strange the extent to which I obsess but maybe she’s just a critical thinker

They don’t know that there’s demons in my brain telling me that everyone is hating me, talking about me, and laughing at me

When I say I’m giving up weed and then I’m smoking it again, they might think “wow she’s just a huge pothead” 

They don’t know that it’s an addiction that has consumed my thoughts for 3 years and made me unfocused, unmotivated and sluggish 

When I make self deprecating jokes, they might think “oh she’s just doing it because it is funny”

They don’t know that they jokes aren’t jokes, they are inner thoughts of self hatred I try to express in a lighter manner 

When I cancel plans, or don’t respond to texts, or sleep until noon.. they might think I just don’t get enough sleep or I just don’t want to hang out with anyone 

They don’t know that I spend my free time asleep because it’s easier to sleep my life away than to make plans 

They know that things are off. They know that I am drowning. 

But they just don’t know how close I am to sinking.

My Depression Is 

It’s needing help, but not knowing how to receive it 

It’s wanting to succeed, but not having motivation to do so 

It’s wanting to tell your story, but not having the courage to do so 

It’s needing friends and family, but pushing them all away 

It’s feeling like everyone hates you, when they only want to help 

It’s being underwater, and not knowing how to swim 

It’s 2:18 PM on a Sunday and I’m still a little drunk from the night before. I’m trying to escape. I’m trying to be happy or at least seem happy but it’s only a facade I can keep up when I’m not alone. Because when I am alone the darkness inside of me wins. The hardest part of all of this is knowing that the person who will truly help me rise is myself. But I feel like such a shell. I have all the potential I need to make it in the world but I don’t even know how to breathe without feeling hopeless. I write on this blog because I don’t have an outlet. I don’t have friends that I can release to. There’s something inside of me that won’t let me release to my parents. I just need someone to talk to. Someone I can tell everything to knowing that I won’t be judged or talked about. I have so much that I am keeping inside. 

I want to be excited about life again. 

Deep Down We Know 

Why do people live a life of mediocrity? 

The little girl who wanted to be an astronaut is now a bank teller

The boy who knew he would be in the NFL one day is the store manager of a retail store

But then the little girl and boy grew up and the world started filling their minds with no

“Do something more practical”

“This job is secure”

“If you fail you will have to start over when you’re older and you’ll never make it”

Why does the world tell us when we are young that we can achieve our dreams and accomplish anything but then when we grow old enough to make our dreams a reality, our dreams are suddenly impractical?

“What do you want to do in the future?” 

“I want to be a performer” 

“That’s great! But you’re majoring in something else right in case it doesn’t work out?” 

Replace performer with your own dream and I’m sure it’s probably a conversation that’s not too unfamiliar 

 I believe those that try to shoot down your dreams are those who didn’t have the courage to pursue theirs

Because deep down we all know, we know we are capable of anything, we know we can be the astronauts, and the presidents, and the performers, but we don’t know how to

Or we are scared to 

I know I could be famous one day

Sounds a little arrogant right? 

We perceive people sometimes who are confident in themselves and their abilities to accomplish their dreams as arrogant 

And it’s because deep down we know that we could be just as confident… 

When we are young our dreams have no barrier in our mind, there’s nothing stopping us from living them

But the more and more people tell you don’t do this, this is a better plan the more we build up that wall and when those people who told you you couldn’t are long gone our mental wall stopping us from achieving our dreams is higher than ever 

Some people never build that wall 

Some people build it and knock it down 

Some people live with it their whole lives

I refuse to be the person telling other people not to follow their dreams because I was scared to follow mine

All humans have potential for greatness, some just never seek to find it

So I challenge you:

What was that dream you had as a child? The thing where if all odds were in your favor you’d be happy doing for the rest of your life?

Find that thing and do it because it’s never too late.

Know that you can be great and you can be happy, really happy not a happiness tinged with regret 

Believe this. 

And it will happen. 

I’m back! 

So it has been a long time since my last raw thoughts and I’ll be candid with you all it hasn’t been easy. 

I needed to take time to find my passions and get my priorities straight again and while it hasn’t been easy I am happy to say I am on the right track again. 

I let myself down a lot these past few months. It was sad to see how I had all this drive in January and it just dwindled. 

I am my biggest critic and the second things get tough I don’t know how to keep myself going. I look at everything as failure instead of lessons learned.

But with all that said I’m working hard to become the driven motivated person I was back in January and I can’t wait to take you all on my journey! 

I’ll have a new blog post up next week.

Thank you for all the support! 

Raw Thoughts: 11:30 pm January 16, 2016 

Disclaimer: for those of you who are new to my blog every once in a while I post these things called raw thoughts which are my unedited thought stream when I’m feeling down. I write my stream of conscience and then go back weeks later to see how I’ve grown since then and to reflect. I use these as a chance to really change so I can self reflect on this later. So right now I am just going to close my eyes and breathe and write a bit of my soul out. Just raw emotion and thoughts. I won’t edit this… I will just write.

“You’re so hard on yourself sometimes I feel like you genuinely hate yourself and I don’t know why”

Tonight the nail was hit right on the head and I haven’t stopped crying since 

I’m even making typos because I can’t see thru my tears

I don’t know how to fix myself anymore. It’s funny how in just about every raw thoughts I’ve written I talk about hating myself 

And I don’t know how to be okay. I’ve hated myself for a long time and it’s to the point that I don’t know how to fix myself 

I try so hard to be the person I want to be but at the end of the day something goes wrong or someone gets mad at me and I go write back to square one and I just don’t know how to be okay

I feel so alone

BC I feel like if I tell this to anyone I’ll just look like I’m being dramatic or just looking for attention 

But I need so much help 

Selfish lazy bitch psychopath fake disrespectful 

These are just a few of the many things even my parents call me and I want to change so bad but I don’t know how to do it alone 

I’m shaking 

You know that feeling when you’re around someone you really hate 

imagine being stuck with that person 24/7 and that’s how I feel about myself 

The person who said the quote I opened the post with also told me I have so much to offer the world 

But I feel like everytime I try no one cares 

People just give up on me and I don’t know why 

And I have no one I can talk to about this no one I can cry to but a blog

And everyone has problems problems much worse than mine so I don’t want to bog anyone down with mine 

But it’s getting to be too much for me!!!!!!!

I want to scream 

I want to run away to somewhere new where people don’t know me and maybe won’t give up on me 

I’m so so broken and I have been for a long time 

And right now I just want to lash out at everyone who has given up on me and scream at them because THEY DID THIS TO ME!!!!!!!!!! I used to be okay I used to not hate myself

But they didn’t do it to me.

I’m doing it to myself and I don’t know how to stop 

Ugh I feel like such a brat for complaining about something so trivial when people deal with so much harder shit and keep a smile on their face 

I need to stop 

I’m going now 

Life With Scars

  Growing up I suffered from an extreme version of the common skin disease exzema. Exzema can basically be referred to as an intense rash that doesn’t go away. While it can’t be cured it can be managed, with ointments and creams and medicine. But once you have exzema you are stuck with it  for life.

My exzema was a little different than most cases. As with most I would get the rash and I would itch and itch but it wasn’t just a simple scratch and then I’m done. I would scratch until I bled… Then scratch my bleeding legs more. I would mindlessly pick off scabs so I could scratch the skin underneath. After years of doing this, basically all of my formative years I developed many deep scars all over my legs and arms. 

My parents tried everything, dermatologist after dermatologist, they would make me sleep with gloves on to not scratch in my sleep, they tried punishing me in hopes that I would stop, but nothing worked… When I had an itch I was going to scratch it until I bled and worse. 

As I grew older my exzema got better, but that didn’t do anything about the scars that I already had all over my body. This began a 12 year and counting battle with scars. 

It’s summertime. I’m 9 years old. Going to pools, road trips, sleepovers, running around in shorts and dresses.

“What’s wrong with your legs?” 

“Why do you have black marks all over your arms?”

“You’re covered in scabs!” 

As a 9 year old I didn’t know how to handle these comments. So I would just yell “nothing!” And continue about my day. 

But the questions kept coming, from kids, from adults, even from my cousins. After a few years of feeling ashamed for my imperfections, I decided it was time to only wear pants and that’s it. 

Problem solved right?

“Do you ever wear shorts?” 

“Aren’t you hot?”

“Are you only allowed to wear pants?” 

I started to fail gym because I didn’t want to change into shorts, so I would take a failed class participation grade everyday.  I would constantly long for winter and fall so that everyone would be wearing long pants and I wouldn’t be singled out. Cold weather means pants. It may be the reason I still love cold weather to this day. 

But after a few years of being uncomfortable in pants all the time, I needed another approach. Luckily, I still had one more option up my sleeve to hide my imperfections.

Make up!

Now, while this seemed like a good idea at the time, make up isn’t created for your legs  and your legs and arms have different skin tones  than your face. So I’m sure you can imagine that finding a makeup that matched my legs and was dark enough to cover the scars was next to impossible. 

I’m now in high school. 

Every morning before I went to school I would slather my legs in make up. Make up that rubbed off everywhere, make up that was so clearly a different shade than my skin. If people rubbed against my legs accidentally they would get make up all over their clothes. I would get teased even harder. 

“Why do you wear make up on your legs?”

“Try to rub her legs she’s wearing make up”

“Kathryn don’t go outside, it’s raining your leg make up will run!” 

I avoided pools and beaches and outdoors activities for years. The only time I would go outside was to tan so that my skin would become dark and my scars would look less alarming.

 It wasn’t until my senior year of high school that I said enough is enough and just dealt with the stares and the questions because at least I was finally free. 

As humans, imperfections scare us. We try not to let it happen but the fact of the matter is, it does. You see someone in a wheelchair,you stare before quickly realizing that staring is rude. You see someone missing a leg or an arm, you quickly stare and look away. But what we don’t realize is however quick we think these glances are, they aren’t for the person you’re glancing at. It can feel like someone is laser focused on your imperfections in what they may think is a quick glance. 

We get uncomfortable about things that “aren’t normal,” which leads to rude questions, teasing and staring.

Now unfortunately, I can’t give any advice for how to stop humans from being uncomfortable around imperfections. It’s human nature.

But for people with “imperfections” here’s my advice to you: don’t let the fear of how other people react to your differences stop you from living life how you want it. I still get questions about my scars all the time, to which I respond “I had a skin disease called exzema.” The conversation usually ends there but sometimes people ask what exzema is and then I raise awareness, so maybe the next time they see someone with scars like mine it won’t seem so abnormal. 

You’re imperfections give you a story. 

They add to your character.

They made you who you are today.  

Embrace your imperfections and love yourself and they way you were made.

And I promise you if you do that every single day, no one will ever be able tear you down again.  



Walking Underwater

It’s been a year since I wrote this post that started it all, in the past year I am happy to say that I haven’t touched drugs since and am quickly on the road to making my dreams happen again.  I wanted to share this post again as a reminder to myself that if I pulled myself up out of my darkest time once then I can do it again. Thank you all so much for your support this past year! So here is Walking Underwayer, the first blog post I ever wrote. 

Don’t do drugs. Stay in school.

We hear it all the time, & now it’s one of those cliche jokes you laugh about with your friends. 
“Hey man, I’m skipping class today.”
“Don’t do drugs, stay in school”

The line is usually followed with laughter & more joking. 

I’ll say this once – Doing drugs is like walking underwater. 

Some people say “I only do it on the weekends, only at a party.” 
But for me it became so much more than that. 

Personally speaking, doing drugs ate away at my life, my spirit, & my happiness. 
Drugs make you feel amazing, like everyone loves you, like nothing in the world is wrong, like you can conquer anything, like you’re surrounded with love. 
Until the high is over.

I re read the first post I posted through this blog. That person was depressed, sad, full of self loathing, pain. I was questioning everything about myself. 

I got to a point in my life where I would waste hundreds of dollars on going out for a night of fun. Thinking I was one of the cool kids. Thinking people were envying the life I was living. I became so consumed with wanting to get fucked up that I became reckless with my life. Testing how far I could push myself, getting messed up to push away the feelings of pain the drugs left me with after the comedown. I was a shell of wasted potential. I lost over a year of my life trying to walk underwater. 
 & I’m happy to say that that person is not me.

It is a process, as with everything in life. I had a tough year but I’m starting to recognize myself again. 
“Kat who’s always effed up” “Kat who will never become anything” “Kat who’s always seeking the approval of others” “Kat the druggie” “the raver” “the party girl” “the young and reckless girl” “Kat who’s crazy” 
I’m erasing all these labels from myself.

I’m making changes in my life & there’s a light in me that I thought I would never find again. I have plans, I have a dream I’m ready to pursue. I’m maximizing on the potential I know I have. I’m becoming the person I know I can be & I’m on the road to real happiness – not the happiness that comes from pills, powder, & rocks. The happiness that comes from within. The happiness that comes from taking my life back into my hands & out of the drugs. 
My head is above water.

Memories of a Broken Heart 

I remember you in the movie theatre, where we had our first date and made out like high schoolers 

I remember you in Mumford & Sons, who we danced to in your room tipsy

I remember you in Barefoot Pink Moscato, the wine we drank every night per my request 

I remember you at Great Falls National park, where we spent the best day ever exploring

I remember you at Longhorn Steak House, where you took me because you said I was dressed too pretty for Red Robin 

I remember you in Walmart, where we blasted Wally World before we went in for wine and a red box

I remember you in Blink 182, & Sublime, the two bands I played for you the most… I can’t listen to them anymore 

I remember you in the Pittsburgh Steelers our favorite team and your hometown team.. I haven’t watched a game all season 

I remember you in your black truck, when I yelled at you and cried because you were letting me go 

I remember you in my basement, when I found out that I wasn’t your one and only like you were mine 

I remember you in Paul and in Alex, the two men I ran to for comfort when you hurt me

I remember you from June to September, the long months when you decided you could live without me

I remember you in the corner of my closet, where I broke down crying and drunk because I realized you didn’t want me you had someone else

I remember you in my bed, when you called me and broke my heart for the last time 

Where I stayed for two days crying 

Where I still cry nearly every morning 

Where I dream about our good times 

Where I try to drink you away 

Where I try to Tinder you away 

Where I almost slept with a man out of anger because you didn’t want me 

Where I miss you the most.


I don’t want to remember you.

But how can I forget. 

2016: A Year Of Music

  I told myself I wouldn’t be yet another blogger to write a post about the New Year.

But I have exciting and terrifying news I couldn’t keep to myself…

I have decided this year to follow my dream.


Now I know what you all must be thinking, “here’s another girl thinking she’s gonna move to New York and make it.”

“That’s not practical, do something you could get a job with.”

“You’re gonna waste a lot of time doing this.”

But at this time in my life I have nothing to lose but time. And I don’t want to waste anymore time not following my dream.

2015 was a hard year. I applaud myself for getting off drugs for good and for starting this blog, but last night when I was thinking of the things I accomplished this year I couldn’t think of much and that killed me. 2013, 2014, and 2015 were the hardest three years of my life.

I’ve been lost, lonely and scared for three years.

It always seemed so easy for everyone else. They had one passion, one pathway to success. I always envied those that knew what they wanted to be and headed off to college knowing exactly what steps they had to take to get there.


Picture yourself with a dozen different interests, everything from sports to writing to music to law to fashion, you have so many things you like and so many things you could potentially be good at. You’ve dabbled in so many different things that you haven’t developed the skills you need to be successful in one thing. But that’s okay because you still are young and have time right? Then one day before you’re even legally an adult your school counselor says pick one thing and that’ll be your career. How lost would you be?  Especially when the one thing you have the most passion for is the hardest industry to be successful in.

Think about that feeling for a second and that is how I have felt for the past three years. I’ve been meandering through life scared and feeling left behind. For three years I have felt sorry for myself and lashed out because of it, getting myself into lots of trouble along the way. I got stuck into a routine. It was a routine that I knew I didn’t want to stay in forever but I was to scared to do anything about it. I was scared of trying something new and failing. It killed me to see that my path was moving so much slower than everyone my age. I spent everyday in regret that I wasn’t like everyone else who was able to pick their career in high school and start to make it happen. I would always think, “I wish I had done this in high school, I wish I had taken this more seriously.” I felt like it was “too late” for me and everyday would wonder why everyone got to move forward but me.

But you know what?

I’m freaking 21!!!

I have so much time to get my career on track even though the world has made it seem to me that since I’m not graduating on time with my class that I’m destined for a life of retail. I know I can do better for myself.

So what will Kathryn be like in 2016?

I’m going to stop hating my life and stop sulking and DO something.

This year I am going to push forward with music with all I have and I know if I give it all I have, I’ll make it… I just don’t know when. But I know I will. I will need all the support I can get.

And I promise…

I promise myself to never give up.

I promise to focus on myself and not the people around me.

I promise myself to not let failure bring me down.

I promise myself to work hard everyday to craft myself even when I don’t want to.

I promise myself to take risks.

I promise not to become the best musician, but the most dedicated.

Here’s to 2016 and to following my dream.

Cheers to a new year!


All Alone, Surrounded with Friends

Growing up I always struggled with fitting in. It wasn’t that I couldn’t make friends,  I had a lot of different types of friends and friend groups.

Church friends, cheer friends, party friends, work friends, school friends, basketball friends, theater friends , the friend group from the summer of ’09… The list goes on.

But even surrounded by friends, I never thought I fit in.

Plans made without me, group messages I wasn’t included in, always the last to be invited.

When I felt myself getting edged out of a friend group or when I found out how much I was left out, I would drop them. Cold turkey, without ever explaining why, which caused even more problems, constant having to avoid people and questions.

“Why did you stop talking to me?”

“You’re such a bitch!”

“You’re fake and I wouldn’t want to have you as a friend anyway.”

But no one knew that I wasn’t dropping people just to be mean, it was because I was worried that if I got edged out anymore that they would just drop me, and why not beat them to the punch?

I struggled through many long nights wondering what was so wrong with me that no matter how many different people I tried to be friends with, I was never really included by anyone. I always would think to myself “I’m an extrovert, I can make friends, why don’t they ever include me?” Which would take a huge hit to my self esteem because then that question turned into “what is wrong with me?” “How can I change myself to finally be included in this friend group?” “Why am I alone surrounded by friends?”

It wasn’t until late one night scrolling through Twitter that I found an article that changed my entire attitude on fitting in.

The article talked about how those that don’t fit in usually become leaders and successful beyond measures. It discussed how people are generally scared of someone who could be a strong leader and they will try to shun and not include leaders because they see them as threats.

The article put a lot into perspective for me. I always wondered why I never was really “in the group.” And I always looked at that as a bad thing. But now I’m starting to realize that maybe it’s a gift that I can relate to so many different types of people and maybe the reason I never quite “fit in” to the friend group is because I’m suppose to be leading and not fitting in.

It’s still something I’m trying to wrap my head around, but thinking this mindset has definitely helped me through long nights wondering why I can never truly fit in.

So here is my advice to anyone who has ever wondered why they were always on the cusp of fitting in but never quite did:


I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and maybe you don’t fit in because you are meant to lead and inspire. There is no leader in this world that became a leader because they fit in. Leaders become leaders because they think differently, because they don’t fit into the mold.

You will lose so much of yourself trying to fit in when maybe all along you were never suppose to. But by the time you realize that, you won’t even know who you are anymore because you changed so much about yourself to fit in.

So even though it gets lonely and sometimes you’ll want to scream just wishing you could be included or wishing you could fit in, I promise you that things bigger and better than fitting in are always in the horizon.  

You can inspire.

You can lead. 

You can be succesful. 

And one day when you are sitting in the Oval Office getting ready to pass some new bills, you’ll laugh at yourself for ever wanting to fit in.