Raw Thoughts: 11:30 pm January 16, 2016 

Posted on by layersofarose

Disclaimer: for those of you who are new to my blog every once in a while I post these things called raw thoughts which are my unedited thought stream when I’m feeling down. I write my stream of conscience and then go back weeks later to see how I’ve grown since then and to reflect. I use these as a chance to really change so I can self reflect on this later. So right now I am just going to close my eyes and breathe and write a bit of my soul out. Just raw emotion and thoughts. I won’t edit this… I will just write.

“You’re so hard on yourself sometimes I feel like you genuinely hate yourself and I don’t know why”

Tonight the nail was hit right on the head and I haven’t stopped crying since 

I’m even making typos because I can’t see thru my tears

I don’t know how to fix myself anymore. It’s funny how in just about every raw thoughts I’ve written I talk about hating myself 

And I don’t know how to be okay. I’ve hated myself for a long time and it’s to the point that I don’t know how to fix myself 

I try so hard to be the person I want to be but at the end of the day something goes wrong or someone gets mad at me and I go write back to square one and I just don’t know how to be okay

I feel so alone

BC I feel like if I tell this to anyone I’ll just look like I’m being dramatic or just looking for attention 

But I need so much help 

Selfish lazy bitch psychopath fake disrespectful 

These are just a few of the many things even my parents call me and I want to change so bad but I don’t know how to do it alone 

I’m shaking 

You know that feeling when you’re around someone you really hate 

imagine being stuck with that person 24/7 and that’s how I feel about myself 

The person who said the quote I opened the post with also told me I have so much to offer the world 

But I feel like everytime I try no one cares 

People just give up on me and I don’t know why 

And I have no one I can talk to about this no one I can cry to but a blog

And everyone has problems problems much worse than mine so I don’t want to bog anyone down with mine 

But it’s getting to be too much for me!!!!!!!

I want to scream 

I want to run away to somewhere new where people don’t know me and maybe won’t give up on me 

I’m so so broken and I have been for a long time 

And right now I just want to lash out at everyone who has given up on me and scream at them because THEY DID THIS TO ME!!!!!!!!!! I used to be okay I used to not hate myself

But they didn’t do it to me.

I’m doing it to myself and I don’t know how to stop 

Ugh I feel like such a brat for complaining about something so trivial when people deal with so much harder shit and keep a smile on their face 

I need to stop 

I’m going now 

18 thoughts on “Raw Thoughts: 11:30 pm January 16, 2016 ”

  2. I am sorry you are feeling this way… I know how hard it can be with feelings of self hate, I have wrestled with that too, from time to time… I hope you do feel a bit better after writing your feelings down… I can not say anything wise I am afraid, as these matters are so complex… But I will say, that there is a lot of support and understanding here in “Blogland”, I’ve found.. I hope it helps a little bit that people like me and others express empathy and caring.. I do hope you have a better day today and that you have someone you can confide in, a friend or a therapist, doesn’t matter, as long as you trust them.

    If not, keep Venting here… I will gladly follow your thoughts and I offer my support here in the small way that I can. Take care of yourself. You matter in this world. Hugs. 💜

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    • Thank you so so much for that comment, I seriously can’t believe how much love and support I receive from this community.. More so than in my actual life. Your support makes me believe that I will be okay eventually, and I’ll read your comment back again and again when I’m down… Thank you again.

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      • Hello again, Layersofarose, I am glad that you found my comment of some use, that was my hope. 🙂 I have felt hopeless many times during the last year and have also found so much support here in the blogging community.
        I have hope that things can be turned around for you, no doubt. I have no idea about your whole story but will read more about is as soon as I have a bit more time. Meanwhile, I can just say something that truly helped me when I was almost down and out: You don’t have to fix it all at once… take something small and start with as a first step.. maybe not helpful at all to you, but one can always hope… 🙂 Hugs 🌷

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  3. You’re not alone in experiencing this. I used to hate myself as well, though nowadays I only mostly dislike myself. While that doesn’t seem like much of an improvement to most people, know that it is a significant improvement. You can do it.

    I don’t know if this will help you the way it’s helped me, but I was once told that the first step to being good at something is to pretend. If you’re like me, then you already know what you want to change about yourself. So I started pretending I’d made those changes. Not all at once, as that’s too difficult. I just pick something I want to change, such as being a better older brother, and then act as if I already am a better older brother. Yes, it felt fake at first, as I would be making decisions that didn’t feel like they were the decision I would make. But… that’s the point. I didn’t want to make the decisions I would make, I wanted to make the decisions that better person would make. It’s been over a year now, and I no longer feel like I’m faking being an older brother. I’ve been acting this way long enough that it now feels natural to me.

    Like I said, that may not help you. Just know that you can stop hating yourself and start being the person you want to be. As you know, it won’t happen overnight. But don’t give up. Even the small step up to only mostly disliking yourself is worth the effort. You won’t regret it.

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    • That comment actually helped me more than you know! Your technique is actually something I’ve tried before but I couldn’t get past how fake I felt and how people noticed it and I stopped, however I tried to change everything about myself at once which was overwhelming but I never thought to do it little by little, so thank you again so much for taking the time to comment on this! You definitely shed some light on this situation for me

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  5. I want to write to you. I know this is late, and that these emotions are most likely under the surface again, but if you’re anything like I was just a few short years ago, they’re still there. They’re in the dark and they’ll come back again.

    I can’t say that I know exactly what you are going through. No one can. Just like no one knew what it was like for me. We’re all individuals with our own experiences and thought processes. But I can say that the rawness from your post, the feelings of loneliness, betrayal, abandonment, regret, remorse, all of those negative things that feel like they are dragging you down into an abyss that you can never escape from… I’ve been there. I have felt those feelings. I have hated myself and hated others for those feelings, because of those feelings.

    I have felt broken and asked myself how I was ever going to get fixed. If it was even wroth trying to fix me when everyone seemed so determined to leave me broken, or to break me again once the super glue I had magically found began to dry.

    I was actually suicidal for a while. I’ve written about it a few times in the past as it became relevant to something in my present, but I want to share it with you because I think it may help you help yourself. Another perspective if you will.

    I legitimately hated myself. I never actually looked at myself in the mirror. Never made eye contact. I hated myself because I had been in abusive relationships where I was told negative things, and I internalized those words until I started believing them myself. They were truths inside of my head. I wasn’t worthy. I was a bad person. I was ugly. I was a selfish bitch. I didn’t try hard enough. I wasn’t good enough.

    All sorts of hurtful, hateful things.

    I had actually just broken up with the guy I was with. I was living in a better environment, a supportive one. By all accounts I should have been doing better, and yet I would sit at the kitchen table at night, in the dark, alone, and every time I did I would struggle to find a reason to not kill myself. Just one reason. If I was such a horrible person, why should I live? I didn’t want to die, not really, but I couldn’t find a single answer for the question, and so I felt like I didn’t have a right to live.

    I was going through Facebook one day when I found this picture, and this is what literally changed my life.

    http://bit.ly/1WrNl48

    It seemed so simple as I sat there rereading the words. And so true. And to be honest, it was probably the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life. I started being nice to myself.

    Whenever I caught myself saying something negative, I stopped. “No. I’m not stupid. I’m smart, and I am human. I’m allowed to make a mistake.”

    It took a really long time, but I stopped listening to people when they said something negative to me. I stopped internalizing it. Just because someone may think poorly of me doesn’t mean I have to accept their words as truth or think poorly of myself. They are entitled to their opinion, and I’m entitled to mine. “You think I’m selfish. I think I am concerned for my wellbeing and that you are inconsiderate and lack empathy.”

    You are allowed to feel bad. You are allowed to feel overwhelmed and sad and depressed and alone. Just because other people have other problems doesn’t mean that your feelings are in some way less valid or less important. You are allowed to need, want, and deserve support for your own hardships.

    That was something else that took me a long time to understand. You are not weak for feeling the way you do. Everyone has “hard”. Until someone is walking in your shoes they have no right to belittle what you are going through. And since you are in your own shoes you should give yourself a hug and encourage yourself rather than listening to the evil voice in your head that is trying to tear you down.

    You’re doing awesome. You’re still here. You still wake up in the morning and fight that voice and prove it wrong, Every day. That’s awesome. And that deserves the most epic high five that a natural 20 can roll. I would apologize for the Dungeons and Dragons reference but I’m a nerd. : p

    You ARE NOT broken. You are perfect the way you are, and that is going to be something that is hard and painful and seemingly impossible to accept. You DO NOT have to change. If you want to change, to better yourself, to be [insert adjective here], that’s perfectly fine. Self improvement is never a bad thing, and is something that should be encouraged. But you DO NOT have to change to be worthy of unconditional love and acceptance. You are you, and you are amazing, unique, and wholly perfect even if you don’t understand why or how.

    Until you start telling yourself that truth you’re not going to believe it. You wont believe it when I say / type it. You won’t believe it when someone else says it. Until you accept it as YOUR truth it’s going to feel like a lie. At least it did for me.

    Love yourself. Be your own friend. Be the positive voice you want to hear, and you’ll hear it.

    It will be hard at first. It will hurt. There will be a lot of healing and purging. You will fall down sometimes, stumble, and slip back into old habits. And all of that is ok. It’s all a learning process. Learning to love yourself.

    I still slip up sometimes, so please don’t think that I am on some pedestal of perfection. There are still times where I get overwhelmingly depressed and the only thing I can see is darkness and the only thing I can feel is alone. I’m right there in the trenches of life with you, fighting by your side.

    It’s worth the struggle to feel at peace with yourself. You deserve to be happy. Love yourself, and it will come. *hugs*

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    • I am so so sorry for the late response!! When I read your comment it choked me up BC sometimes u feel so alone in things it’s moving to find out that you aren’t, things have been brightening up since that post and I’m so happy to have found people like you to help remind me that I’m not alone! Your comments always bring so much light to me and I’m so grateful that you comment every time I see them!! Hope all is well!

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  6. Dearest Rose:

    Here’s my stream of conscious response:

    I was living in an apartment in Livermore and the poor little girl cross the way would come home every day and her mother would scream at her about how stupid she was, that she didn’t know anything. One day I sat down on the steps with her and we took a little seed pod and I pulled it apart to show her what was inside and she looked at me like those few moments were the most precious gift that she had every received. Then one day I heard a man’s voice in her apartment talking to the mother and telling the mother that she was stupid and useless. It turned out it was the little girl’s uncle.

    It’s not fair but the only way that little girl could heal was by healing her mother and uncle and everyone else. It’s a huge burden. Most people just try to run away.

    Secondly your name made me remember Bette Midler singing “The Rose” which ends

    “Just remember, in the winter,
    Far beneath the killing snow,
    Lies that seed that with the sun’s love,
    In the Spring, becomes the rose.”

    Brian

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  7. In this world it is not surprising we sometimes feel ‘not good enough’ and even ‘self hatred’ ……..I understand the ‘raw emotions’ part of your blog ….I used to keep a diary during a particularly bleak part of my life and like you ….would return to it a few days later to challenge the thinking ….still do sometimes …..kind of like self therapy …..do you know what I think would have REALLY helped in those dark moments tho? ……just a hug …no words …just a reassuring embrace and encouragement to breeeeeath until the storm passed …… I am therefore sending you and anyone else who has ever felt like that one across the ether ….I know it’s not the same as the real thing …BUT know there are people out there who care:)

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    • I’m so sorry for the late response!! Things have been going a lot better and your words of encouragement helped me so much! You have such a lovely soul and I’m glad we connected!!

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  8. No worries re getting back ….so glad things are going much better for you ….if my words of encouragement helped in any way then I am thankful :):):):):):):):):)

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  10. Beautiful sweet layersoarose – u r a treasure pls know this and so – petals divine! The journey to find ones centre is not easy-stay strong watch the sunrise each day and smile at its power it lites in u! I do and it works!! msg me anytime – from across the oceans 🙂

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