They Don’t Know 

When drowning there comes a point when fighting to live is a lesser option than accepting death.

I  think that people know I’m drowning. I just don’t think they know how deep I am.

When I get too drunk on the weekend or get drunk alone, the people around me see it as I like to have a good time even though maybe I take it too far

They don’t know that I find comfort in the feeling of being so drunk I can escape my mind

When I joke about how I don’t take care of myself, they probably think she’s just a gross person 
They don’t know that I have no will to take care of myself since the depression is draining me

When I over analyze or obsessed over people and situations, they might think it’s a little strange the extent to which I obsess but maybe she’s just a critical thinker

They don’t know that there’s demons in my brain telling me that everyone is hating me, talking about me, and laughing at me

When I say I’m giving up weed and then I’m smoking it again, they might think “wow she’s just a huge pothead” 

They don’t know that it’s an addiction that has consumed my thoughts for 3 years and made me unfocused, unmotivated and sluggish 

When I make self deprecating jokes, they might think “oh she’s just doing it because it is funny”

They don’t know that they jokes aren’t jokes, they are inner thoughts of self hatred I try to express in a lighter manner 

When I cancel plans, or don’t respond to texts, or sleep until noon.. they might think I just don’t get enough sleep or I just don’t want to hang out with anyone 

They don’t know that I spend my free time asleep because it’s easier to sleep my life away than to make plans 

They know that things are off. They know that I am drowning. 

But they just don’t know how close I am to sinking.

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “They Don’t Know 

  1. I know this is a bit late but I wanted you to know that I’m in your corner for this fight. If you ever need someone to listen, I’m here. conley.setup@gmail.com

    There’s a quote I pull strength from, especially on the days I feel like giving up. Maybe it can help you as well.

    “So far you’ve survived 100% of your worst days. You’re doing great.”

    You really are doing a fantastic job. Every day you survive you give Life a giant middle finger. You tell it to go fuck itself because you’re amazing and a badass. You really are doing great even if, when surrounded by darkness, it may not feel like it. *hugs*

    Like

    • Sorry for the late response but thank you for reaching out, I always love reading your comments because they bring some light into my life and it’s goood to know that someone out there has been where I am right now! So thank you

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s